


Hesitant Changes

by UpliftingNightmares



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Genderqueer Character, Lots of Crying, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Trans Character, brief death meantion, brief self harm mention, brief violence mention, coffee fueled inspiration at midnight, genderqueer kaneki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-18 20:35:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7329781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UpliftingNightmares/pseuds/UpliftingNightmares
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since the incident with Rize, Kaneki hasn't felt quite right. Though, he can't really put his finger on why. All he knows is that certain things are suddenly becoming more appealing than they should be.</p><p>Trans AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hesitant Changes

Kaneki gripped the fabric of his pants, narrowing his eyes as he stared at his lap. He was affronted with a certain feeling. The feeling of dissatisfaction, the feeling of not belonging, the feeling of not being quite right. It was overwhelming at times. Actually, it was overwhelming most of the time. But, it wasn't always the case. Sometimes, Kaneki felt just the slightest bit of normality. But, usually it was the constant need for, well, he didn’t really know what for. This feeling, while so unknown, was so familiar, it was haunting. He hated it. Yet it clung to Kaneki like a parasite.

“Dude, you feeling okay?” Kaneki looked up, completely forgetting that his friend was here. Hide sat across the table, lifting his cappuccino to his lips. “You’re acting weird again.”

“Oh, uh, sorry. I’m fine.” Putting on a small smile, Kaneki lifted his own coffee. For a moment, he relished in the scent of it. After the incident with Rize, it was the only thing he could stand to consume. Yet, he never grew tired of it. Maybe that was because he knew of the alternative. 

“Fine implies that nothing’s wrong,” Hide retorted, bringing Kaneki back to their conversation. Taking a sip of his drink, Hide said, “And something’s obviously wrong.” Then, with a hushed voice, “Is what happened to Rize still bothering you?”

“Um, yes. That must be it.” Kaneki turned to the side, but kept his gaze on Hide. The latter narrowed his eyes, but didn’t question it further. 

“Must be rough on you.” The two kept their eyes off of each other for a moment, an awkward silence ensuing. Their conversation was saved by Touka walking up to their table.

“Are you wanting anything else?” Touka asked, turning more towards Hide, who smirked as he looked up at her. 

“Am I sensing favoritism here?” He leaned forwards, placing his chin on his hands. Touka rolled her eyes and closed her notepad.

“I’m assuming that’s a no then. Also, Kaneki, your break’s almost over.” With that, Touka walked off to tend to the other guests. Without really meaning to, Kaneki stared after her. His eyes traveled downwards until they reached her skirt. He didn’t mean to stare, he really didn’t. But, the way the skirt moved was so interesting to him. It was something so foreign, yet felt so comfortable. Though he wouldn’t admit it, Kaneki’s thoughts started to stray to what something like that would feel like on him.

“Wow, got a thing for purple hair or something?” Hide quipped, bringing Kaneki back to the present. It took a second for him to realize what he was doing, but as soon as he did, his face went bright red.

“It’s nothing like that,” Kaneki persisted, trying to keep his voice down so Touka wouldn’t hear. “I was just lost in thought. That’s all.”

“What kind of thoughts?” Hide waggled his eyebrows, and Kaneki scoffed as he stood up. The blonde snickered as Kaneki picked up their empty coffee cups. Then, leaving a couple yen on the table, Hide stood up as well. He called out a goodbye to his friend and exited the cafe. Kaneki caught one last glance of Hide putting on his headphones before the door closed. Sighing to himself, Kaneki brought the cups behind the counter, where Irimi stood.

“Do you mind washing these for me? I’m going to sweep a bit,” Kaneki said, placing the dishes in the sink.

“No problem.” Irimi stepped over to the sink, then put on a warm smile. “And your blonde friend is right. If something’s bothering you, you should open up about it. It’s not good to keep it all bottled up inside.”

“Wait, how did you hear us?” Kaneki looked up, a brief expression of fear crossing over his face. It’d only mean trouble if she misheard the two of them.

“Well, it is a little hard not to hear him, especially when the cafe is this empty.” Irimi turned the faucet, and water flowed out and onto the dishes. As she started to wash them, she kept up the conversation. “But please. Just talk about it. It’ll help in the long run, I swear.”

“Okay. Thank you.” Kaneki accepted her advice, but knew he wouldn’t end up following it. He didn’t like to talk about his problems. It made him feel like a burden, or at least more of one than he already was. But, knowing that Irimi cared enough to tell him meant something, at least.

Humming a bit to himself, Kaneki grabbed the broom and dustpan from behind the counter. After making sure Irimi was fine with doing the dishes, he started to sweep the floors. It didn’t take long, as the manager made sure to keep everything neat and tidy. But, Kaneki continued to push the broom across the floor, allowing him to look busy while he escaped to his thoughts.

After everything had happened with Rize, things hadn’t been the same. Well, obviously that’d be the case. But, if he had expected any feeling to come from a worst case scenario like that, it wasn’t this. Kaneki didn’t expect this fleeting, yet crushing feeling of not quite being, for lack of a better word, right. He didn’t know how to explain it otherwise. For the first few days out of the hospital, he’d just marked it off as a side effect from the surgery and everything before it.

Yet, deep inside of him, Kaneki knew a surgery wouldn’t cause this. He started doing things that he wouldn’t constitute as ‘normal’ after effects of trauma. He took an interest in jewelry and other accessories, and even wore an old necklace under his Anteiku uniform one day. However, the embarrassment of possibly being found out forced him to stop. Makeup also started to make more sense to him, and appealed just the slightest bit more. After digging around a bit, he found some pink nail polish that he’d used in a high school art project. Kaneki painted his nails out of curiosity, only to deem the action stupid and pick it all off. He also found himself staring at other women. Not in a perverse way, or a jealous way, or really any way. Like the nail polish, it was more of a short-lived curiosity. How did they live their life? How would it be to live that way? Kaneki thought he might enjoy it.

He promptly shook his head, trying to rid himself of the thought. There was no way. Was he even allowed to just switch lives like that? He’d been happy with his lifestyle for most of his life. Why now, of all times, were all of these things becoming so appealing?

“Kaneki, you’ve been sweeping at the same spot for the past seven minutes.” A sharp voice brought him back to reality. Kaneki felt his face heat up as he noticed Touka standing in front of him, her arms crossed. Giving a quick glance around the restaurant, Kaneki noticed a couple other people staring. He muttered an apology as he started to stare at the ground. “It doesn't matter. Just go and start making some orders. I can't do it all myself, you know.”

Giving her a quick nod, Kankei headed towards the counter. He kept his head down as he returned the broom, and started reading off order tickets. As Kaneki started on the coffee, Irimi gave him a pitiful glance that he pretended not to notice. He stepped over to the coffee beans and sighed. Couldn’t things just work out for once?

The rest of the work day was uneventful. The most interesting thing that happened was Kaneki having to stop and think about what restroom to use to change into normal clothing. The event ran through his head as he walked home from work, never relenting. If it wasn’t so surreal, Kaneki might have laughed at the thought of him having this sort of problem. Other problems had solutions. If his mom was busy working late into the night, he would read his father’s old books. If he felt lonely, he’d call Hide and talk for hours on end. Even the whole ghoul thing was more straightforward than this. Plus, he had references for that. It was hard to find references for something you couldn’t even explain to yourself.

Taking in a deep breath, Kaneki stopped walking for a moment to stare into a shop window. Strands of lights illuminated the items on display, creating an elegant atmosphere, especially in the evening. For a moment, things seemed peaceful. Until, that is, he realized he was staring at dresses.

Kaneki forced his gaze downwards and hurried off the boulevard. He took to the side streets and alleyways, allowing him to keep his gaze away from where it didn’t belong. Instead, he stared at the dirty ground as he speed-walked. He couldn't believe this was happening. Was this some ghoul thing? Did all ghouls feel this way? Whatever it was, Kaneki couldn't stand how it made him feel so mixed up. It was like his entire personality was switched for someone else's. 

Then he stopped in his tracks. A single name echoed in his mind, reminding him when this whole feeling started. He didn’t start to walk again. Instead, he ran.

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as Kankei reached his apartment, he kicked his shoes off and jogged over to his computer. Shrugging off his jacket, he sat in his chair and opened the Internet. Kaneki ignored the news of recent ghoul attacks and instead opened a new tab.

Narrowing his eyes, Kaneki tried to articulate what he wanted to search. At first, he started with looking up Rize’s name. But, just as it had been every other time he’d tried, nothing of interest came up. Groaning, Kaneki tried something along the lines of “female”. That didn’t grant much of what he was looking for. So, he tried “male but female”. That, however, only turned up with a bunch of physical science stuff, which Kaneki didn’t think this was. So, lastly he tried “not matching gender”.

Although there were a couple things that were irrelevant, this was ultimately what Kaneki was looking for. Gender databases, forums, and general discussions. Though they weren’t what he wanted, he knew he needed to read them. Chewing his lip out of nerves, Kaneki clicked on the first link.

In big black letters at the top of the page was that word. The word that had been itching at the back of his mind this entire time. Gulping, he scrolled down, not ready to admit it to himself. Instead, he focused on the fine print. But, that didn’t help his anxiety much either. All it did was give him definitions. And, those were all he needed to confirm the suspicious.

**_“Trans-gen-der /_ ** **_tranzˈjendər/_ ** _ Adjective  Denoting or relating to a person whose self-identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender.” _

Kaneki couldn’t stop his hands from shaking as he scrolled down the page. That wasn’t it. That couldn’t be it. There had to be another explanation. Biting the inside of his cheek, he went back and chose another link. It only gave him the same information in different words. His legs started to bounce as he searched a different phrase. “Feeling female”. “Female to male.” “Not feeling male inside”. They only got him the same thing. Any other phrase he put in would just bring up Transgender FAQs and things similar. 

Being forced to eat human flesh was enough. Why did God, or whatever higher power was up there, feel the need to do this? Kaneki stood up, only to pace around. Anything but this. He would have accepted literally anything but this. It wasn’t that he had something wrong with the term or community itself. Those things were fine. It was just the fear of finally knowing.

In his last year of high school, the students were asked to write a paper on a social issue. While Kaneki had chosen to write about diversity in literature, Hide had chosen LGBTQ rights. And, being Hide, he shared everything he learned about the topic. Sure, there were the important things, like the differences between romantic, sexual, and gender identities. But, there were also the things that Kaneki couldn’t handle. Those who identify as transgender are four times as likely to live in poverty. The overwhelming majority of transgender people report experiencing mistreatment or discrimination in the workplace. There are little to no laws trying to protect those who identify as transgender at all. That wasn’t to mention the murders, the public harassment, and all of the hidden hatred going on. Kaneki didn’t even want to think about the horrors of actually telling someone either. Hide had covered it all in explicit detail. Now, Kaneki was sure it was selfish of him, but he started to fear for his own life.

Taking a deep breath, Kaneki plopped back down in the desk chair. Maybe things weren’t as bad as his friend said. With a small, hopeful smile, Kaneki entered LGBT into the search bar. The first things that came up were about horrible things that had happened in countries elsewhere. Scrolling down, there was only more horror. There was one or two positive things sprinkled in, but they were drowned out by statistics. And Kaneki couldn’t argue with statistics. Basically, what it all said, was that if you weren’t straight and cis, you were going to live a life of hell.

Not even bothering to hide his whimper, Kaneki pushed himself away from the computer. He covered his mouth with his hand, letting the tears flow through his fingers. For a good ten minutes, Kaneki just sat there, wallowing in his misery. When he did stand up, his feet carried him to the fridge. Only to remember there was nothing there when he reached it. That was the final straw. Collapsing to his knees, Kaneki let out choked sobs as hot, thick tears slid down his cheeks. Within minutes, he was laying on his side in his small kitchen, curling up into a little ball as he tried to stifle his crying.

Kaneki stayed like that until the moon was high in the sky. When he finally regained the will to move, Kaneki staggered to his room. Without even changing into pajamas, Kaneki fell onto his bed. The dried tears felt sticky and uncomfortable on his face. Yet, he didn’t have the motivation to move his hand a couple inches to wipe the water away. Why should a creature as disgusting and self-pitying as he do it anyways?

Within minutes, his eyes were closed as he entered a dream. Within just a couple more, his eyes were open as he escaped a nightmare. Kaneki’s entire night was filled with disturbed sleep. One time he dreamt of everyone at Anteiku laughing at him. They called him a disgusting, fetishized pig. Touka in particular found great joy in pointing out how he was going to die alone. In another one, his gentle, loving mother shut the door on him, saying how she couldn’t stand to have an abomination like him as a child. Last was Hide, the only moral support Kaneki had. He had called him a filthy, dirty monster.

In total, Kaneki received about 2 hours of sleep before he was supposed to get ready for work. When he could barely hold a coffee cup without trembling, the manager intervened and asked what was wrong. Though it felt wrong to lie to him, Kaneki blamed his puffy red eyes and constant sniffing on allergies. He hated how he felt relieved when the manager told him to take the day off. He also pretended not to notice the sideways glance Touka gave him as he hurried out the door.

When Kaneki made it back home to his apartment, he collapsed against the front door. Only a self-obsessed loser like him would manage to get sent home because of such a stupid issue, right? He was awful, wasn’t he? 

It took a couple days for Kaneki to finally come to terms with the idea. He registered that he wasn’t who he used to be, especially with Rize inhabiting a part of his mind. However, this realization only brought on new insecurities. Was this just a phase that was going to pass once he got his ghoul side under control? Was his head just making stuff up, and he was just acting like a special snowflake because one of his eyes can turn black now? Even if these feelings were legitimate, would he be a ‘real’ transgender person if he only noticed them after a girl got control of his head?

This was all so confusing. Kaneki didn’t know what to do with himself. All of his emotions were one big jumbled mess in his brain. Some of the time he was angry with himself for overreacting to this. Other times he was upset with the fact that he didn’t deserve to be called trans because his thoughts weren’t authentic. And, though it was a miniscule part if the time, he felt just the slightest bit delighted with finding this new identity. 

After a stressful day at work, Kaneki staggered into his apartment, feeling nothing but overwhelmed. That day, Touka had lectured him on not being able to pay attention. Just a couple seconds after their talk, Kaneki spilled coffee all over a customer because he realized he could legally change his gender. Not to mention, there was that creepy purple-haired guy that had started to frequent his place of work. Kaneki was drained, physically and emotionally.

So, he didn’t even realize he was texting Hide until his fingers hit the send button. 

Kaneki’s eyes widened in fear as he watched the little checkmark, showing the text had sent. Muttering curses under his breath, Kaneki fumbled around with his phone, trying to find a way to keep Hide from receiving the message. But, there was nothing. It was sent. The damage was done. But, it was only a short little text. All it said was,  _ Can you talk? _ That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet, Kaneki was trembling in fear. Those three words carried so much context right now, it was impossible to keep calm. He didn’t even know what he’d say if his friend would respond. But, he was waiting on that response, just to see if Hide was still there for him.

A minute passed and there was nothing yet. Kaneki’s hands shook as he sat down on the couch, waiting for Hide to say something. Even if it was derogatory, he just needed his friend to say something. Five minutes passed, and Kaneki was laying down on the couch, feeling his eyes start to burn with impending tears. 13 minutes passed, and Kaneki was trying his hardest not to cry. 15 minutes passed, and Kaneki was bawling on his couch. 22 minutes passed, and he gave up waiting for a response, now admitting that his friend probably forgot all about him.

Around 40 minutes after sending the initial text, there was a loud knock at Kaneki’s door. He grunted, having just started to doze off. Maybe if he ignored them, they’d go away.

No such luck. When Kaneki didn’t answer within 20 seconds, the knock sounded again, but this time, it didn’t stop. Groaning, Kaneki forced himself to abandon his couch and walk over to the door. Maybe, just maybe his awful, tearstained appearance would scare the visitor away. Kaneki could hear the person walking in place outside as he tried to unlock the door. But, he barely got it open a crack before Hide pushed his way inside.

“Okay, okay, okay. I think I’ve got everything this time.” Hide walked right over to the kitchen counter, knowing Kaneki’s apartment like it was his own home. There, he set down a couple grocery bags and started pulling out random things. “I know I was a bit late, but my bike started acting funny about halfway here, and, wait that isn’t important. Anyways, I went to the store and tried to pick up some stuff for you. But, they didn’t have your favorite ice cream. Isn’t that sucky? So, I just got a bunch of those sauces and other things and bought plain vanilla, so I’m going to see if I can recreate it for you, okay?”

“Hide-”

“Also, I was looking around a bit, and they had these super awesome tissues. You put them up to your nose, and they’re cold. Cool, right? Pun totally intended. Anyways, I didn’t know if you wanted those, or if you liked the kind with lotion, but I got a couple boxes of both, since I figured we’d kind of need them. And, check this out. The store I went to had a bunch of blankets on display. I picked one up, and it was the softest thing I’ve ever touched in my entire life. And I’ve touched puppies. Man, this blanket is softer than puppy fur, and puppy fur is, like, crafted by the gods. And, they had it in your favorite color, so I got one for you. Fluffy blankets are always the first step in the healing process, you know.”

“Hide, I-”

“Since I figured you didn’t want to focus on whatever’s troubling you, I brought some entertainment. When we were kids, I remembered we really liked this one board game. So, guess what I found? Yup. That exact board game. It even has the name of that book you told me to read written on the front of the box. I also brought some movies. I wasn’t sure what you’d want to watch today, so I brought a bunch. There was this cheesy romcom I found, and I figured we’d get a good laugh out of it. There’s also a bunch of anime, and some western movies I thought were cool. I didn’t know if you’d like them or not though. I also got a whale documentary. I’m not really sure why. If anything, it’ll help you fall asleep. And, yesterday I downloaded some western music too. A whole bunch of it. The genre I got is really calming, and it does a good job of taking you away, you know? Anyways, I got everything I could. I tried my best to get here as quick as I could. So, you ready to tell me what’s on your mind?”

Hide finally turned to look at Kaneki. The latter could only stare at his friend, before he looked down to hide his humongous grin.

“You didn’t have to do all this, you know. You could have just texted me back.”

“But I did text you back,” Hide pouted, before his eyebrows furrowed and he pulled out his phone. He swore a bit under his breath, then put on an awkward smile. “Oops. Sorry. I accidentally texted that to my math tutor. Just a sec.” Within a couple seconds, Kaneki’s phone buzzed in his hand. But, he didn’t bother to check it, now with his best friend standing right in front of him. “There. All fixed. Though I’m going to have a lot of explaining to do when I see her again.”

Kaneki didn’t bother to respond to that. Instead, he set his phone on the counter and fell into his best friend’s embrace. Hide wrapped his arms around Kaneki, gripping the fabric of Kaneki’s sweater in between his fingers.

“Why don’t we sit down? Then get ready to tell me everything you need to tell me, okay?” Kaneki nodded into Hide’s chest, then stood up straight. After grabbing a box of each kind of tissue, Hide lead Kaneki over to the couch and sat down. For a moment, Kaneki considered wrapping his arms around Hide and getting as close as possible. But, he decided against it, instead scooting a couple inches away.

“I’m sorry I made you do all of this,” Kaneki said, wiping his eyes.

“What do you mean you’re sorry? I’m pretty sure I’m your best friend. This is the best friend kind of thing to do. Don’t worry about it.” Hide wrapped his arm around Kaneki, pulling them together once again. While he tried to ignore the way his heart sped up, Kaneki was glad for the contact. Smiling to himself a bit, Kaneki wrapped his arms around Hide’s. “Alright. So. What do you need to talk about? I’m here for you.”

“Um…” Kaneki searched his mind for words, but found none. Instead, he started to stutter and fumble his way around what he wanted to say. “I, uh, haven’t felt the same since, well, um, since Rize died. And, since she died, I’ve kind of been doing a lot of thinking.”

“You’re okay though, right?” Hide brought a finger across Kaneki’s wrist as he gave his friend a nervous glance. “You haven’t done anything stupid to yourself, have you?” It took Kaneki a moment to get it, but soon shook his head.

“No. Nothing like that.” At least, not yet. Hide nodded, signaling for Kaneki to continue. He looked down at his lap for a moment, trying to articulate his words once again. “And, uh, well, I think I found out some things about myself.” Kaneki froze up, forcing Hide to prompt him once again. “I’m not quite sure about everything, but I think it was too much for me to deal with by myself. And, I guess I need to tell you.”

“What is it?” Hide’s voice was soft and gentle, acting completely different from his usual persona. That’s what Kaneki loved. He got to see this side of Hide that most people didn’t even know about. Yet, Kaneki found himself distancing himself from it. He unwrapped his arms and scooted away a couple inches, looking anywhere but Hide’s eyes.

“I think… I might be… Transgender.” Kaneki whispered the last part so quietly, he could barely hear it himself. Hide leaned forwards, putting his hand to his ear. So, Kaneki repeated himself, only quieter this time. Hide rolled his eyes and scooted closer.

“Kaneki, you can’t be quiet like that. You know I can’t hear y-”

“I’m trans.” Kaneki blurted it out before he even had a chance to think about it. Hide’s look of surprise was enough to force Kaneki into a whole new wave of tears. He looked down and focused on the tear stains on his couch. Thus, he couldn’t see the relieved smile on Hide’s face as he brought Kaneki into a hug. It only lasted a second, but it was able to bring Kaneki’s attention back to his friend.

“That’s it? That’s what you wanted to tell me?” Kaneki nodded, focusing on his lap once again. Hide tipped his friend’s chin up again, forcing them to meet gazes. “I’m glad you let me know.”

“You’re not mad?” Kaneki narrowed his eyes in confusion. He could have sworn that people were supposed to react badly to this kind of thing.

“What? Why in God’s name would I be mad?” Hide rolled his eyes, then thumped his friend’s forehead. “You worry too much. Of course I wouldn’t be mad. It’s your identity. I have nothing to do with it. Again, I’m glad you told me. I want you to be happy and relaxed and whatever. I’m gonna do my best to help you out, okay?”

Kaneki stared at his friend for a moment. This couldn’t be happening. Where was the yelling? The disbelief? All of the things this exact same friend had told horror stories about. None of it was happening. He should have known. Hide was too good to him.

Feeling his lip start to tremble, Kaneki crashed into his friend’s chest. It took no time for him to start breaking down, sobbing and trembling in his friend’s grasp. Hide only rubbed Kaneki’s back, doing his best to try and calm him down. Though it took a while, Kaneki’s crying started to subside. Instead, he shook as he brought himself even closer to his friend.

“Hey.” Hide pulled himself away for a moment, only to smile. “I’m going to grab that ice cream and blanket, okay?” Kaneki nodded and watched his friend stood up and entered the kitchen. Wiping his eyes with his wrist, Kaneki reached for a box of tissues. He put one up to his nose, only to yelp. Hide practically jumped out of the kitchen. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah. It’s just…” Kaneki looked down and smiled to himself. “They really are cold.”

“I know, right? Isn’t that just the coolest thing? Bless modern technology.” Hide returned to the kitchen, only to step out a few seconds later. His arms were filled with all of the different things that he brought, along with the trash can, for tissues. After setting them all down, Hide held up the movies. “You decide yet?”

“Romcom. Definitely.” 

“Got it.” Hide popped the disc into Kaneki’s less-than-modern DVD player. Then, Hide plopped onto the couch and pulled the blanket onto the two of them. “See, this is the perfect blanket. It’s soft, warm, and the perfect size for the two of us.” Hide grabbed the remote, started the movie, then started to experiment with the ice cream. Though it took a lot of trial and error, Hide just decided it was a lost cause and laid back with Kaneki. The two of them wrapped their arms around each other and focused their attention on the movie.

“Hey Kaneki?” Hide spoke around halfway through the film, looking down at his friend. “Hey, uh, if you don’t mind telling me, how’d you find out?” It took Kaneki to even remember what Hide would be referring to, only to look down. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. I was just curious.”

“I just started feeling different, I guess,” Kaneki started, snuggling closer to Hide. “I think I kind of knew what was going on, and I just didn’t want to admit it. Eventually, I looked it up, and I found the word and stuff. It took me a while to register and get acquainted with it and all. I still think I don’t have everything figured out, actually.” Kaneki laughed a bit, though it was involuntary. “I mean, trans people feel like they’re the other gender right? Even though I feel female, I still kind of feel male too. Doesn’t that make me not authentic, or something like that?”

“Not at all. Trans is an umbrella term, you know.” Hide moved so he was facing Kaneki on the couch as they laid next to each other. “There are, for lack of a better word, sub-categories. Like, there’s bigender, gender fluid, agender, and a whole bunch more. Plus, in my opinion, I don’t think you really need a label for it. Just living is enough, I think.”

“You sure know a lot about this Hide,” Kaneki said, causing his friend to blush just the tiniest bit.

“Well, I don’t know much about the gender part of the community, you know?” Hide scratched the side of his face, then cleared his throat. “Anyways, have you got a name or pronouns figured out yet?”

“Not quite yet. I only just realized this, you know.” Kaneki brought himself closer to his friend until they were almost intertwined. “And, um, thanks for being so supportive.”

“No problem dude. I mean, why wouldn’t I be?” Hide carded his fingers through Kaneki’s soft hair, a soft smile painted across his face. “You’re my best friend. The very least I can do is be there for you. Why wouldn’t you think I’d be? I literally did a paper on this a year ago.”

“I know, I know. I just got nervous. I should have known you’d be on board with it.” Kaneki buried his head in his friend’s chest, trying to hide his wet eyes. “I’m just really glad you’re here.”

“Yeah. I’ll always be here for you. Always.” Hide sighed in happiness, then pulled away for a moment. Kaneki saw the smirk on his friend’s face, and couldn’t help but feel a like something dangerous was just going to happen. “How about this? I stay over here for the night, and tomorrow, since you’re off work, we go out and buy you some new clothes for your new identity, and really just have a good time with my dad’s credit card.”

“Oh, Hide, you’re so bad,” Kaneki joked, giggling a bit to himself. “Using your dad’s credit card, huh?”

“Hey, I’m a college student. How else am I supposed to pay for things?” Hide gave Kaneki’s shoulder a light punch, then laughed. “Anyways, what do you say?”

“I say that sounds great. Thank you so much.” Kaneki sniffed once again before continuing. “You’re the best friend ever.”

“I know. I’m pretty great.” Hide snickered, then rubbed Kaneki’s back again. “And don’t hesitate to let me know if there’s anything else you want to talk about. I’m not the best reference for this, but I’ll do my best to help you feel comfortable. That’s what I’m here for, you know.”

“This means so, so much. How can I ever repay you?”

“Just by being happy. That’s enough for me.” Kaneki nodded in agreement, then returned his head to Hide’s chest. The latter pulled them together again, and they remained like that until the wee hours of the morning, watching crappy movies and making even crappier jokes. It was what Kaneki needed at that moment, and he couldn’t ask for anything more. For the first time in a while, he felt happy. And it felt great.

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, I haven't written a fanfic in forever (three years to be exact)! This was really fun to do, and I plan to write a second chapter if anybody wants more of this. 
> 
> Also, I'm sorry if I offended anybody. Even though I'm genderqueer, I don't experience a ton of dysphoria (and even then, it's not male to female), so I don't know if this is how it would go down. So, if anybody wants to share experiences or give their thoughts so I can improve future fics, it'd be very appreciated! 
> 
> Thanks for reading, and I hope you have a great day!


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